confusing relationships

Usually I am pretty good at understanding relationships and getting people. But I am currently involved in one which confuses me often. Part of it is the pressure of what other people assume--we are assumed by those who don't know to be a couple, and sometimes treated as one. We even function that way to an extent. We are very close. We love each other--I think I might be in love, too,--and we spend a lot of time together. We are friends though. Nothing more, nothing less. I think the thing that promotes my confusion the most is not the assumptions people make, but rather one small action on his part. I am used to a lot of physical intimacy with my close friends, including male ones. What I am not used to is kissing, even pecks, on the mouth. There's basically two men--besides this one--who do that currently and my relationships with them are very clear. Non-sexual, non-attracted, long-standing, family relationship. With this one though, he seems to be delibrately kissing me at the end of the day. He is making that happen, not me. I have been kind of letting it ride for awhile, waiting to see what it might mean, or not mean, but now I am feeling like that isn't a good idea anymore.

I still have not solved the issue of when I might write in this regularly.

time

I have to figure out where to make a little time for this...other than while traveling.

Houses

Tonight, I am in Rawlins WY. On the surface, Rawlins doesn't look like much and I must admit, my heart sank when we got to town and the Thai place--the only Thai restaurant in Wyoming barring those in Jackson--was closed! More on Rawlins in my other blog, Wyo Wanderer, which I have just decided to start, about traveling in Wyoming. Hm. I must like this system.

I've noted I have a marked preference for Victorian houses, or at least that type of house. Must have something to do with being raised in a Victorian seaport. I also like colonial brick, imposing houses, but only to look at from outside (I guess that comes from the 9 years in St. Louis). This is not to say I do not like my own, not-Victorian, house. House observation is something I like to do. I like to walk by and see what I like and don't like and what I'd do differently. I like to look in windows (from the street--I walk in the middle of streets whenever I can--can't see much of anything, please!), especially if the house is uninhabited. Empty houses have such potential about them.

I was looking at houses in Port Townsend. Several of my friends have built houses and they have some really good ideas. Most of these are small houses with very clever ways of using space. Also, gorgeous, simple touches. L used sea glass as handles for the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen, and pressed it into the stucco walls. A window seat that pulls out into a queen sized bed. A friend in WY has an outdoor shower--that is a treat in the summer! I also like the system of a shower without a tub or pan, just a drain in the floor. Very simple.

Finally I saw a large house on 10 acres outside of PT which is falling down. They (the people who own it) got it for a song. It needed a foundation and a roof, and that is just the beginning. Carpeting, bathroom, hideous wallpaper, no insulation, but the house has such potential. The view and the silence are to die for, too.

eHarmony, the blank slate

I'm back in Seattle now and I walked quite a way (from 21st and Union up to Broadway) for dinner, so at least I managed one of the things I am trying to make a habit of today!!

I've been a member of eHarmony for probably two years, or a bit more, at this point. It started out O.K., and was active for quite some time and then, sometime in the last year, just became a dead thing. I have nudged it firmly and it only wheezes, very unconvincingly. Maybe it is my profile, but one way or another, the men I am matched to (and it is way more people than you might think) are not interested in me. That's quite mutual, I must admit. For some reason, their matching thing seems far less discriminatory than they suggest it is. They also somehow fail to take into account upbringing and values, I think--because mine are not reflected even slightly in 99% of the matches they make for me. I really don't think it is too much to ask that I should not have to completely educate these matches and put up with the vibrations of "you are weird" because I am not like they are. I actually quit about 6 months ago, but then I got asked to communicate for the first time in probably 3 months, so I re-upped for a few months. I'm not appreciating it, though, so I think it is high time I just said no.

fog, sand and wood fires

I had forgotten what it was like to deal with wood fires all the time. I both like it and don't. Dealing with the wood is a very physical experience--from chopping it, to carrying it to putting it into the stove and adjusting it so it will burn to best advantage. I was gratified to learn I could still chop wood just fine!

It is strange being home. A different pattern, which is very comfortable in many ways, than I currently have at home. I feel more comfortable in my clothes here--they fit in more.

Being near the water is almost transcendent. It is such a presence, and I resonate with it so much. Daniel and I walked up to Memory Vault yestersday in the pouring rain, smelling the salt water, and I read the poems as the rain soaked me and puddled everywhere.

the first post

I am starting this on a whim, and shall see where it goeth...

Tonight I am in Seattle and enjoying the fog and the damp.